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| Well, shucks, y'all. |
We open at the Green Hills mall in ritzy Green Hills, as Druggie Mom, Juliette and entourage shop. They say to themselves, should we throw a birthday party for Deacon? Why yes. We should. Party planning commences, but Druggie Mom's addiction counselor shows up for a session and Juliette is like, bro– busy planning a party, here. Later on, Juliette sits in her living room singing to a backing track while Addiction Counselor creepily watches. He then inquires why she does not seem to give a hoot. Meet me in four grafs for the rest.
Rayna asks Teddy if he's staying at Peggy's since he moved out, he tells her it's not really her business, and she's like think again. It becomes my business when our kid is overhearing your sordid little love convos. Keep your GF away from the girls. She then goes to Tandy's house to tell her about the divorce and for some reason, the "good sister" switch flips on and Tandy spends the rest of the episode playing protector. They go to Kroger with the girls where Maddie finds a tabloid flaunting Rayna and Teddy's divorce, and not just that but some rumors about Rayna cheating. Maddie is bummed that her mom seems to be as guilty as her weasel of a dad. After rushing the girls home, Tandy and Rayna try to explain to them that tabloids are money-sucking pieces of crap. Maddie is skeptical. Deacon then texts Rayna his disbelief that he had to find out about the divorce through a tabloid, vis-a-vis pic of said tabloid and one word poem of misery, "Seriously?" A little while later, Rayna and her manager meet with some type of image consultant person who asks if Rayna had slept with anyone, and if there's a sex tape.
Rayna declines to answer because NO. That evening, she and Tandy go to pick up the girls from a dance class and run into some Nosey Nelly from high school. The situation improves when the four Jaymes ladies get ambushed by the paparazzi on the way to the car. So what to do with these feelings? Write a song, of course. Rayna tells Tandy that she just wants to hole up and wait for the whole mess to blow over. But will it ever really blow over? Rayna catches a press conference the next day in which Teddy first defends her and asks the press to back off, and then appoints Peggy Cantor to something. Just then, as if someone had said his name three times, Lamar pops up in the kitchen. At first I thought he was sucking the youth from the younger daughter, but I think he just had his hand on her shoulder. Anyway, he apologizes for the sucky state of things and encourages Rayna to take legal action or something. Add in a stirring little speech that amounts to the haters can go to hell, and you start to wonder if it's all the mahogany exposure that makes him evil. JK. Lamar is evil. The night of Deacon's party, Rayna calls Watty and asks him to come by. Spoiler: They go to the party together. Ok. Meet me in three grafs.
Teddy continues to be disgusting this episode, in case you hadn't noticed from that bogus cabinet appointment. Lamar stops by to make some appointment suggestions of his own, and Teddy attempts to have a spine, but you can just tell that he doesn't have much to stand on. After all, 1) He's been Lamar's puppet from the get-go and 2) Lamar is not thrilled about how Teddy's treated his daughter. Teddy is on thin ice. You don't want to get on Lamar's dark side... not that he has any other side. Later on, Peggy comes into Teddy's office and closes the door behind her with her foot which is code for let's desecrate the Office of the Mayor of Nashville. Umm... Teddy then offers Coleman the Deputy Mayor spot.
Meanwhile at Chez Bluebird, Jason helps Scarlett unpack groceries and he and Gunnar become the Adora-bros whilst reminiscing about working in a grocery store once upon a time in Texas. They even put paper bags on their heads. Yeah. I know. Later, Scarlett is setting women's lib back a few decades by claiming that cleaning helps her through her writer's block. Does Jason have any laundry she can do for him? Gunnar grabs some article of clothing and the gun falls out on the floor. Gunnar gets hella pissed. He shoves it in the back of his pants like a gangsta. "You're not leaving the house with a loaded weapon," Scarlett yells. So he empties it with an unsettling familiarity and storms out to call a family meeting with Jason on a bridge. It gets nasty. Gunnar throws the gun in the water and Jason is like... You do not know what you just did! I have enemies! And then Jason tells Gunnar that he owes him a life. Families, right? That night, presumably, Scarlett is taking out the trash and Juliett pulls up with entourage to tell her to get Deacon to the Bluebird Monday night at 8 p.m. for the party. But, but, Deacon hates parties and typically stays in on his birthday and watches Old Yeller. Do it, Juliette says, then allowing Scarlett and Gunnar to sing at the party. So. Day of party, Scarlett brings Uncle Deacon a cupcake and asks him to come to the Bluebird's open mic night because she and Gunnar are going to perform.
Alright. Everybody get here alright? Cool. Scarlett and Gunnar wait for Deacon out side the Bluebird. The three walk in and SURPRISE WE GOT YOU DAN AUERBACH AND VINCE GILL!!! (And Kip Moore, whoever that is.) Three cheers for celebrity cameos. Scarlett and Gunnar perform and are good as usual. Juliette flits around being social.
During the toast, someone hands Druggie Mom some champaign and she takes a sip. And another. And mercy. Shotguns the whole damn glass. Rayna and Watty arrive at the party with paparazzi swarming. Her reward is getting to talk to Dan Auerbach from the Black Keys. Gunnar DJs until the fuzz comes looking for him and you're thinking THAT JERK JASON GOT GUNNAR IN TROUBLE. They give him the old, we're going to need you to come with us, line. He doesn't think to shoot a BRB text to Scarlett. Also unraveling is Druggie Mom. In the hall in the back, she's with Deacon, sobbing and somewhat drunk. Juliette has to take her home. As Juliette tucks Druggie Mom in bed, Druggie Mom apologizes for ruining Juliette's 9th birthday party. Shortly after, Addiction Counselor comes over and gets Juliette to tell him about how Druggie Mom had rented out an ice cream parlor but then blew the money on drugs. Juliette took off for a few hours and came back to find her mom passed out with a lit cigarette, just starting to burn the carpet, and for a few seconds, considered leaving again. Ha. Kids.
Meanwhile back at the party, Rayna sings a song she wrote for Deacon and apparently it goes a long way to mending things. When the party ends, they talk and he gets teary eyed, and she says she just wants to do right by him. Not sure what that means. (IS DEACON PREGNANT??) The next morning, Deacon receives the world's most beautiful golden retriever puppy from Juliette. That night, Scarlett waits pensively for Gunnar. He's been gone since he disappeared from the party. Won't answer his phone. And those cops? Contrary to what you assumed about Gunnar maybe getting arrested for harboring a fugitive, they'd actually brought Gunnar to the morgue to identify Jason's body. They'd found him dead in an alley, beaten to death. Oh man. I know. You feel guilty, Gunnar feels guilty, Scarlett feels horny.
She climbs on his lap and before you know it the clothes are coming off and you start to reflect on Freud's theories about the relationship between eros and thanatos and then... wait. Nope. Still weird.
Anyhoodle, what about that cute puppy, right? So cute. We'll see you next week.
Stray Observations:
+ Plenty of tight shots on Auerbach, Gill, and Moore. Plenty.
+ The best part was Avery randomly trying to get into the regular Bluebird open mic night and being denied access, only to peer into the blinds and see Scarlett and Gunnar sining. Burn.
+ I enjoyed Rayna asking a paparazzo if the Tennessean had stopped paying him. Prolly. Not sure anyone still works there anymore.
+ But really. The puppy.
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